This morning at Restoration Church the message focused on conflict in marriage. If you have been married for more than five minutes you are going to face conflict. It is a fact of life. While every couple has to find their own way in this area and overcome the natural tendency to fight it out, ignore it, or run from it, there are some commond denominators happy couples seek to never resort to when facing conflict. I share these bullet points with you along with some of my own thoughts.
1. Never call names – this should be self explanatory, but when disagreements come, it is easy to shift into name calling. This does nothing to help the situation and only escalates and divides us into separate teams.
2. Never raise your voice – unless your spouse has an actual hearing problem, somehow it becomes easy to think if we get louder he or she will see things our way. In fact the opposite is most likely the case. Raising our voice while having a marital “discussion” only escalates the conflict and pushes our spouse further away. I’ll be honest, of the five “nevers,” this is the one I struggle with the most.
3. Never get historical – Happy couples know don’t keep score and keep the past in the past. If there is an issue from the past that has been discussed and dealt with then it is time to move on and not bring it up.
4. Never say “Never” or “Always” – now this was beaten into my head during my brief academic career, but unless you have complete 100% omniscience that your spouse categorically “never” or “always” does/says/thinks something it’s smart to stay away from generalizations. Since I’m pretty sure no one on earth currently possesses that superpower it’s better to steer clear from “always” or “never.”
5. Never Threaten Divorce – this is a big one. For happy couples divorce is never an option. Even by saying divorce is an option you are making the breaking of a covenant before God something that you would even consider. This breaks down the bonds of trust and sows an insecurity that can become self-fulfilling. Instead of even mentioning divorce, happy couples instead focus on reminding each other they are on the same team.
Which “nevers” have you been guilty of? Which of these do you want to banish from your conflict toolkit?