Month: February 2019

Conference Notes: Marriage Conflict Mistakes To Avoid

This past weekend Amy and I participated in a marriage conference with Restoration Church. The morning session was led by Dr. Allen and Tina Holmes from Daystar Church in Greensboro, NC. In that session Dr. Holmes shared ten marriage conflict mistakes to avoid:

1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether – Ken Sande would call this “peace-faking.” This doesn’t resolve the underlying reason for the conflict, it merely postpones it.

2. Being Defensive – Defensiveness is a sign there is not enough grace. Personally, I want to try to grow more in this area. I find myself tending to quickly run to a defensive posture even when it is not warranted.

3. Overgeneralizing – using phrases like “you always” and “you never.” I have to give credit to all many of my professors over the years who drilled all most of this language out of my vocabulary!

4. Always Being Right – this is a tough one when you are always right, right?

5. Poor Listening (usually caused by in formulating the rebuttal)

6. Mind Reading – I may think I know what my spouse is thinking but what she is thinking may not be what I think she is thinking. I can then get into conflict with something that is completely imaginary and all in my mind.

7. Playing the Blame Game – “But God, the woman you gave me gave me this fruit-its her fault and really your fault”

8. Trying to Win the Argument

9. Character Attacks – This is like throwing an emotional grenade into the conflict. All it does it cause damage and does nothing toward resolving the conflict or working toward a resolution.

10. Stonewalling – using silence as a passive aggressive way of attacking the issue. This is a trap I fall into-often I will just shut down.

Question for discussion: Which conflict mistakes do you tend to make? What are you going to do to correct those mistakes?

This is part three. You can read part one here and part two here.

Conference Notes: Two Approaches To Marriage

At 25 I thought I was ready for marriage. I was raised in a Christian home, graduated from a Christian school, received a bachelor’s degree from a Christian university, and a Master’s of Divinity from seminary where we were required to take an entire course on marriage. I could give you the biblical basis for marriage, the purpose of marriage, and recount any other historical and theological truths about marriage. The truth is I really didn’t have a clue what I was getting into, and praise God he placed Amy in my life where she has shown me grace upon grace for these past 15 years (in which I’m still learning).

At one of the sessions of a recent marriage conference led by Dr. Allen Holmes, he compared and contrasted the world’s approach to marriage with the biblical approach to marriage. As someone who has feebly counseled those with marriage troubles, I agree with his assessment and want to offer it here:

The Worlds Approach To Marriage

Step 1 – Find the Right Person

Step 2 – Fall in Love

Step 3 – Fix Your Hopes and Dreams On This Person

When This Fails Repeat Steps 1-3

I have witnessed and seen this approach attempted and tried over and over. I have seen it communicated through the arts and media as if it is an accepted truth and mantra. Dr. Holmes rightly points out that step three is utter idolatry and is bound to set us up for failure. While this approach is the accepted approach of our culture, it is not the only way.

God’s Approach to Marriage

Step 1 – Become the Right Person

Step 2 – Walk In Love

Step 3 – Fix My Hopes and Dreams in God

*If That Fails Repeat Steps 1-3

The Biblical approach focuses inwardly first-before I can even entertain marriage (and even after becoming married) my approach should be in developing my own character. How can I become more like Jesus and developers the fruit of the spirit in my life? The second step turns outward–out of an overflow of a life-receiving relationship with the Lord, I can then show love and grace towards others. Instead of “fixing” my spouse, I need to allow Christ to fix me, and I should show the love of Christ to my spouse. Finally, instead of fixing my hopes and dreams on the perfect marriage or the perfect spouse-my hopes and dreams should be focused on God-his rightful place as first in my heart, in my marriage, and in my family. If all this fails-even in a fallen world-we are to repeat steps 1-3.

Question For Discussion: If you are married or considering marriage can you commit to each other to take the biblical approach to marriage

(This is part two, to read part one click here.)

Conference Notes: Three Marriage Myths

This past weekend Amy and I participated in a marriage conference with Restoration Church. The morning session was led by Dr. Allen and Tina Holmes from Daystar Church in Greensboro, NC. In that session Dr. Holmes shared three marriage myths:

Marriage Myth #1 – Marriage Should Be Easy

Marriage Truth – Relationships Bloom Over Time

Marriage Myth #2 – The Secret to a Perfect Marriage Is Picking The Perfect Spouse

Marriage Truth – You are Imperfect and Your Spouse Is Imperfect

Marriage Myth #3 – My Marriage Has Problems

Marriage Truth – Your Marriage Isn’t the Problem You Are

The answer isn’t to fix my spouse – it’s to fix me // All marriages have problems

We must combat myths with the truth. Sometimes it is helpful to just speak truth over a situation and over ourselves.

A few discussion questions for thought:

1. Has Marriage Been Easier or More Difficult Than You Expected?

2. Have You Ever Been Tempted to Believe You Had a Bad Marriage?

Finishing Well

“…So Moses finished the work.” Exodus 40:33b (ESV)

What project are you working on? What project do you need to start? What project do you need to finish? I’m constantly asking these types of questions in my own head, all at the same time running the seemingly perpetual project of the busyness of life! We all have projects we need to start and some we need to finish. I have plenty of little projects around the house that I definitely need to finish! Some projects feel as if they are never going to get completed.

For the last three weeks I have been reading through the book of Exodus. It’s amazing to read through this book and watch the transformation of Moses and his leadership. He is no perfect leader and he makes mistakes along the way, but when you boil it down Moses accomplishes a supernatural task. While on Mount Sinai God gives him the instructions for building a tabernacle which will serve as the spiritual hub of the newly constituted nation of Israel. God gives him the physical and relational resources to carry out the task, and one year after the first Passover, Moses completes the Tabernacle, consecrates it, and God’s glory comes down and fills it. This verse near the end of the book brings me great comfort – “So Moses finished the work” (Exodus 40:33b). Not to skip ahead, Moses has more projects ahead, and one major project he is personally not going to be able to complete. This time, however, we can see the beauty of a leader who receives a vision for a project and completes that project.

May this be an encouragement for whatever project you may be facing down at work, at your church or ministry, at home, or personally-with God’s help and God’s assistance, you can complete it. Let’s get it done and move on with the next project the Lord has for us!

Steps to Finding God’s Presence

“And he said, ‘My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.’ And he said to him, ‘If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.'”

Exodus 33:14-15 (ESV)

I was recently asked about the presence of God. In this passage in the book of Exodus, Moses is interceding on behalf of the people after their attempt at idolatry in fashioning the golden calf while Moses was on top of Mt. Sinai receiving the Ten Commandments and instructions for the Tabernacle. God initially tells Moses that while He isn’t going to go on with the people, He will send the angel of the Lord. After Moses’ intercession the Lord then promises His presence. Moses makes an emphatic statement in verse 35, “If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.” Moses had been able to experience first-hand as much of God’s glory, power, and presence as anyone else to that point. After experiencing God in that way, he was so convinced the future of the people of Israel absolutely depended upon having God’s presence with them. In fact, Moses says to the Lord, in essence, if He doesn’t go with them they don’t want to go.

In the Old Testament the presence of God was mediated through the Tabernacle and the priestly system. The redemptive work of Christ through His death, burial, and resurrection breaks down the divide between God and man, allowing us to experience the presence of God personally. Paul expresses the necessity of the presence of God this way, He says in Romans 8:9 “You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ-does not belong to him.”

What an amazing prospect-the Spirit of the Living God, in dwelling us. Would that not have the opportunity to change our hearts, our attitudes, our lives? How would our lives look different were we to shift our decision making solely based upon the flesh-but upon the presence of God? God if you are here, I don’t want to move from this spot! God, you’ve pointed the way to the Promised Land, but if you don’t go with us don’t make us go!

Steps to Finding the Presence of God. You might say, that’s great, but where do I start?Might I offer a few suggestions:

1. Stop – In our culture we are notoriously busy. We have so many activities and schedules upon schedules. Some of the most downloaded apps for our smartphones are all related to helping us schedule and create to-do lists to organize our busy and hectic lives. In fact I’ve even caught myself scrolling through my phone at a stoplight-as if a 30 second stoplight is too long to just sit there! The first step many of us will have to take is to stop long enough to discern the presence of God. Turn off the phone, the tv and the screens for just a minute.

2. Look – We must also take the step of looking for God’s presence. It’s not enough just to look, but to look in the right direction. During this stage in my life I encounter the public on a daily basis who walk into my furniture store looking for something. It might be a new sofa for the living room or a new mattress because the old one is worn out. As big as our store is every now and then I get people looking for something we don’t have: lawnmowers, paint, doors and windows, appliances, tv’s, you name it, I’ve been asked about it. In speaking of the presence of God are you looking in the right direction? Have you sought out a Bible-believing church? In the United States you might have to look hard in some places, but you don’t have to look that far. Getting together with God’s people is essential to experiencing God’s presence. Jesus said as much in Matthew 18:20, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Are you spending time reading the Bible? If you struggle reading the Bible I would encourage you to start today. Get a translation you can understand. If you can’t read, listen to the Bible. It’s absolutely fundamental. To go a little deeper here, I’ve written on this topic, “How to Read the Bible Book by Book.”

3. Listen – When we stop in the midst of our busyness, when we start looking in the right direction, then we get ourselves in the position of hearing from God. Don’t make a mistake here. I’m not saying the presence of God is something that we can work-up. He is not bound by a step-by-step formula. I do believe, however, that when we place ourselves in position we will hear Him when He speaks through His Word, by His Spirit, and through Godly counsel He places in our lives. When we surrender our lives and our will to Him. When we allow Him to renew our minds and our spirit we can start down the road of experiencing the presence of God.

Happy New Year

Yesterday, February 5th, marked the new year in China, dubbed the “year of the pig.” I wonder if that means they will be eating a lot of barbecue this time of year? The Chinese follow a lunar calendar so their new year appears to float around our calendar a little bit. It caused me to think about why in our culture the new year always starts on January 1st. I knew it had to have something to do with the Roman Empire, and after a little research determined that January 1st was the year the Roman Consuls (basically, the two guys who together formed the executive branch of the Roman republic) took office. Sometime around 46 B.C. Julius Caesar rearranged the Roman calendar and made that day the first day of the year. It’s amazing to think that separated by over 2,000 years our country, along with many others, still follow an ancient Roman custom for the new year.

When we turn to the story of God’s people in Exodus 12, God reorients the Israelite nation around an amazing act of redemption He is about to do. He is about to perform the greatest act of judgement against Egypt during what is called Passover, which will in turn set the Israelites people free from bondage and slavery, putting them on the path to the Promised Land. In the very opening part of the instructions to their leader Moses, the Lord says, “This month shall be for you the beginning of months. It shall be the first month of the year for you” (Exodus 12:2).

I’ve always thought, how amazing this is, that the beginning of each new year for Israel would be a reminder of God’s great act of redemption on their behalf. Think about the feeling of renewal that occurs every new year, what if we added to that God’s love for us? What if we then took a moment each day when we woke up and just reflected on God’s great love for us?

So with that final word, “Happy New Year!”

Book Review: The Disciple’s Study Bible

Part of the Replicate series of resources, the Disciple’s Study Bible pairs the highly readable Christian Standard Bible translation with a reading plan and inductive Bible study method developed by Robby Gallaty, currently pastor of Longhollow Baptist Church in Hendersonville, TN. He is the author of this and other discipleship works:


The Disciple’s Study Bible (DSB) follows what it calls the F-260 Bible-reading plan. While the “F” is not defined here, elsewhere it refers to “Foundations.” The “260” refers to a 260 day reading plan. The plan is chronological in nature and its purpose is not to be exhaustive, but to “guide the reader through the entire meta-narrative of Scripture in just one year.” The reading plan is also designed for use in three areas: “first-time readers”, “church-wide alignment”, and “from the pulpit down.” One could use this plan for their own personal devotions, as the basis for small group discipleship groups, or even as a pastor planning an annual preaching calendar.

For ease of use, the DSB includes the reading plan as both a check-listed table in the front as well as in-line highlighted pages throughout. The checklist is pretty straightforward and neatly laid out. As you can see it includes five readings per week, allowing space for the busyness of life. The readings are shorter than typical reading plans so one might be able to slow down and really dig into a passage. My only critique with the plan would be that as a chronological plan a true first time reader might find difficulty navigating the different references when they are out of order. The in-line pages also don’t help navigate the reader. My only other critique would have to do with the pages themselves which experience quite a lot of bleedthrough.

The in-line pages contain a breakdown of Gallaty’s HEAR inductive Bible study method. HEAR stands for Highlight, Explain, Apply, and Respond. The reader first highlights the most important aspects of the passage. Second, the reader moves to explain what is going on in the passage. In the third step the reader takes up application, how might what is going on in this passage apply to his or her life? Finally the reader is called to respond. I like this step as even in the Bible study the emphasis is already placed on putting the application into action. This Bible study method can be applied to any passage of Scripture and I can see how it can be easily transferred and put into practice. While the publishers went to the step of including journaling space within this Bible for this purpose, if one were to actually use it as such it would render entire sections of the text on the following pages unusable. It would be best to do your journaling in a separate book.

The DSB includes resources typically found in study Bibles: introductions to each book, outlines, timelines, and commentary. While the introductions, outlines, and timelines for the DSB have been brought over directly from the CSB Study Bible, I’m still not sured where the study notes came from.

The back of the DSB includes many helpful articles and resources for personal discipleship, small group discipleship (what Gallaty calls D-Groups), as well as resources relating to organizing and discipline an entire church.

After just a cursory glance at this study Bible I would highly recommend it for its intended purpose, if you are looking to use it individually for personal Bible study, or if you are a small group or church leader looking to use it for larger scale discipleship.

God Knows

Do you ever wonder if God knows what you are going through? Do you ever wonder if He cares? This past year we went through some pretty intense health issues with our parents. For several weeks Amy and I were both in full-alert-all-hands-on-deck crisis mode in two different states and at the same time trying to keep all the other plates in our lives spinning. Physical, spiritual, and emotional fatigue begins to set-in. While our faith never wavered, it was hard to ride the emotional ups and downs that accompany crisis.

In studying Scripture we can find encouragement. As difficult as we may have it, there is no struggle we can experience that hasn’t been experienced–and overcome–before. In the book of Exodus, the Israelites experienced forced slavery. They experienced genocide and infanticide. In short, they experienced the most degrading oppression possible by the most powerful nation at the time with no hope for the future. In the midst of this the Bible says,

“During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel-and God knew.” – Exodus 2:23-25 (ESV)

When I read these verses I’m drawn to several observations. First “the king of Egypt died.” The most powerful man of the most powerful nation who was doing these most horrendous things to the Israelites, he eventually died. He who was worshipped as a god, could not escape the judgment of God that all must face. No matter the circumstances, one thing is for sure, nothing lasts forever.

Second, I see the response of the people of Israel. Notice they “groan” and “cried out for help.” When I see the word groaning, I can’t help but think about a very physical and guttural sound. The oppression was so intense the people were physically moved to respond. It also speaks to their condition of an absolute and abject humility before God. They recognized inwardly and outwardly that they could not save themselves, help themselves, or do anything otherwise to change their situation. They cried out for help and for rescue. If to draw out some application – it’s okay to call our and cry out for help. This runs a little contrary to our facestagrammed world where every post, picture, and angle must be picture perfect. The cry for help from a posture of humility here also runs contrary to our #play#the#victim#and#be#outraged#all#the#time mentality.

The climax, however is not in the situation of the evil Pharaoh. The climax is not found in the response of the Israelites. The climax is found in the action of God. Look at all of God’s actions in these verses – “God heard . . .remembered his covenant . . . Saw the people of Israel-and God knew.” One action would be enough. “If God would just hear my prayer, hear my cry-if I could just know that my prayers were getting through.” This passage is a reminder that God does hear. He does see. He does know. Now in our instant-fix world we want God to see, hear, know and then come do something about it right now, right? And we want to tell Him how to work it out for us. While we get these two verses to find out the hope that God hears-it takes about 12 more chapters to see God work His act of redemption. Even then, there were parts to God’s redemptive grace that didn’t come to pass for a generation later as the people entered the Promised Land. In fact there were parts to God’s redemptive grace that wouldn’t come to pass for many generations later until His own Son would sacrifice Himself on our behalf. In fact there are parts to that promise that we are anxiously awaiting to be fulfilled. Like a kid at Christmas just waiting to see what might be under the tree-we know that God has ultimately prepared a place for us, that He’s coming back for us, that this life and this world, however messed up is, and however messed up it is going to get-this life and this world are going to get restored and renewed into something we can’t even imagine.

And with that-I’m glad God knows. I’m also glad that because He knows, that’s one less thing I have to worry about.