At Restoration Church’s marriage conference this past weekend we were led through a session on effective listening. While these are great application points for a healthy marriage, the principles work for any relationship.
1.Remember You Are On The Same Team – this was shared as not just an internal reminder but something that was expressed to be verbalized. Especially when faced with a situation where you are communicating in conflict try looking at your spouse and say, “We are on the same team!” There are so many forces at work that want to divide and conquer the marriage relationship, we must remind ourselves and our spouses that we are on the same team, no matter what. Within an hour after leaving the conference, Amy and I found ourselves in conflict and tested on this principle. One of the ways we worked through the conflict was taking a step back and saying “We are on the same team!”
2.Seek First to Understand and Then Be Understood – oftentimes we are so busy formulating our response, we fail to adequately understand what our spouse is trying to communicate. When we don’t give time and space to understand each other we can often jump to conclusions that aren’t based in reality. I know I can come up with all kinds of solutions to Amy’s problems when I think I know what they are-except many times I try to fix things that aren’t broken, or miss what the problem really is about.
3.Ask Clarifying Questions – asking good questions helps slow things down and also helps us to really understand the need. On getting through this point I need to admit a personal growth area. I can sometimes (ok, so a lot of the time!) get defensive when Amy asks clarifying questions. For whatever reason inside of me, I see the questions as not just a quest for understanding, but as a kind of attack. As a growth point for me, I have to be reminded of #1 (we are on the same team!), and use clarifying questions to bring us together.
4.Come up with a win-win – If you are truly a team there is a way you can work together to find a best path forward together. We live in a fallen world, so sometimes it may not be that at the end of a “discussion” everyone is shooting off confetti cannons in celebration. We should be able to follow Scriptures teaching, not letting the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26) and getting to an acceptable resolution.
Again, I felt this session was immensely helpful. Amy and I literally put this into practice upon getting home, and guess what-it worked!
Questions for Discussion:
How can you put these listening skills to good use in your relationship?
How might these skills help you in other situations at work, school, etc.?